i don't even know why i expect to see you online. i probably wouldn't talk to you if i saw you online. i don't know a lot of things, i realise. and i fuckinghate that feeling. i like knowledge, it's a comfortable position to take. but with you, i feel like i'm losing what little control i have. and every struggle to fight to retain control results in an exponential loss of it. it's not just my sanity at stake. it feels like my entire existence depends on your stamp of approval. i wasn't born pathetic. that much i know. but that little snippet of a fact does nothing to assure my self esteem, nor does it justify my existence.
yes, i don't know a lot, all i know is my boredom is driving me nuts. it's driving me to consider all these things i never thought i'd consider, to do all these things i never thought i'd do. i'm quickly disliking the person i seem to be turning into.
yesterday a sudden pang of sadness hit me. the 6th of june is fast approaching. i wish i can foretell the future. or make time skip by. quite unlikely i'll sleep the whole day away so it just ceases to exist in my life. maybe i'll stuff it with so much activities the day will fly by in a whiff. maybe i'll sit and have morose conversations over deep coffee with someone (anyone really, preferably you). maybe i'll escape to my room after work, and hide the rest of the day away, entertaining myself with the little stash of movies i've amassed or read my entire day away. see all the maybes? it's unsettling. there never were these many maybes. and even if there were, i've seen happier times that have diminished the maybes to practically nothing.
now i'm wondering what might happen when you come back from far ol china. are you gonna ignore me again? am i gonna seek comfort somewhere else, and maybe in my selfish playing, end up being made the fool? yes, i'm selfish. but so are you. let he who has not sinned cast the first stone right? the past is precisely that, past. it's a pretty high wall for me to scale, and that's not fair considering my severe lack of fitness, however way you define fitness. i'm at a crossroad. i don't know to let go or to wait. i do know i'm playing the field a bit. sometimes i feel the guilt. i feel like i'm accumulating bad karma. that on judgement day, i'll be paying. but then on good days, i realise it's not wrong. there are wronger wrongs out there. wrongs i'm not committing, and have no intentions to commit..and my conscience feels better.
my mind must sound like a mess to you who has to read this shit. feeling a little philosophical. come to think of it, i feel much less messed up than not-too-long ago. maybe cos my focus isn't entirely on you anymore. i have other distractions. and plenty of chances to take a good long laugh at life. not even my life, mind you. today, the top laughter-drawer is my suspicion someone is crooked just to spite me. seriously, what a kid! i don't even know why you bother so much about me. haha..if you spent more time improving your work, maybe you wouldn't be receiving so much flak for it.
taking a walk down the crooked path is not easy..only the fittest survive cos girls are vicious. girls can mess with your mind big time, girls can screw you over big time, girls can make you feel so fuckinghigh and outta-this-world, and not hesitate to remind you the ground doesn't miraculously being pillowy soft to cushion your fall. and you will fall. trust me. but girls are so exciting. they make the best lovers. that's why guys clamour for girls, and girls clamour for girls. ahhh...but i love girls. what to do?
*what a nice long post. but i'm pretty damn proud of it and i'm not even sure why!*
